quarta-feira, 20 de junho de 2012

A Small Prayer

New blog, new things! It's time for a presentation.

I'm known by a couple of names, it's not very important. Maybe I'll find my true name soon, maybe I already know it. Otherwise I'm known mainly for ladyxzeus, ladylouve or Carol Louve. I started this blog to talk about Paganism, with a different twist. So I think it is good to talk a little bit about myself beforehand. :)

I "became a Pagan" when I was 12 years old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the Book Fair with my father and a book caught my eye. It was "Riding a Silver Broomstick", by Silver RavenWolf, mistakenly translated as "Magic for Teenagers". It was the time of Harry Potter (the books, the movies only came much later) and I was fascinated by it, so I immediatly tought... I'm going to learn magic! I'm going to have a wand and make things move and make colours in the air! How wrong I was. As misinformated as Silver RavenWolf may be, it was a first start. From then I bought other books from her and discovered a more advanced practicioner, Scott Cunningham. I bought the Llewellynn Almanacs and did all the rituals by the book. I made spells very often and for every situation. I believed in the Great Goddess, the Moon, and prayed to her every night. My pentagram was always with me and whenever I felt danger or unease I would touch it and know the Lady was with me.

I also had a great connection to Nature by the time. My father lives in the country and I used to go there every week, to perform rituals and spells. I'd go there every Solstice and Equinox to celebrate my rituals with Nature.

Meanwhile, I was a depressed teen. I had no friends, I had nothing on my way. My only safety was Her Ladyship. And Gackt. Gackt's music was yet another connection with the Gods. A different kind of connection, a connection that came through a being that - while superior to me in every aspect - was still kind of Godly. So much that till today I always refer to Him with a capital letter, lol. On any case, that was what saved me at the time.

As I entered university things changed. I made new friends, I got a new sister, my father got sick, my dog too. I abandoned spells and only did rituals when something really important was happening. The last one was during Samhain and for 12 days I made a ritual to beg the Gods to make my father live. He's still here. :)

And then something completely unexpected happened. Gackt came to Europe on tour. Finally I would have the chance to see the one that, for me, was the prophet of all that was beautiful and pure, my connection with Gods walking on Earth. I went to Barcelona with my friend. And on the concert I suddenly realized something: the one I loved, the one I worshipped, He was not a prophet. He was not a god. He was human just like me. A wonderful human being, an example for me, but still a human. Even had a surgery scar! But even being just a human being, I wanted to give Him all that I had. I wanted to give Him my all. But the only thing I had was my pentagram! So I gave it to Him (in a very confusing and traumatizing experience with staff members, haha)

From then on, it seemed like my faith disappeared. I stopped praying. I simply stopped believing. And then depression stroke again, I flipped in an injustified way and nothing ethereal could save me. It was like faith was controlling me and when it was gone I could not hold myself anymore.

But everything passes and now I think... I used to be so happy when I was in touch with the Goddess... When Gackt made me touch Her... I think I could go back! So I made a vow to dedicate 2 weekly hours to the study of Paganism, to try and rediscover my spirituality and what I believe in. Maybe I'll go back to being a Catholic. Maybe I'll realize there's nothing else left to believe. I don't know yet. But I'll try to discover. :)

I'll start by reading all my "Paganism Shelf" and taking notes of those books. Then I'll proceed to read my "Pagan Bookmarks". I will share these notes in this blog, as if it's some kind of Shadows Book. It's like a public Shadows Book, but kind of private at the same time because I'll not announce it everywhere. :p Anything that's more private I'll keep to my real Shadows Book, that I started building (a different story is the beggining and the end of my first one, stay tuned!) as a notebook. I tried a diary at first, but that's not meant to be.

I also belong to the International Pagan Federation and I'll restart going to their meetings. I'll also comment them here! :)

As for the rest, I'm passionate about Japanese pop culture. This blog is Chiisana Inori, which means A Small Prayer in Japanese. Have a wonderful day, that's my small prayer. :) That's how I try to live. I try to be more like a dog and learn from them. Have you ever noticed that they are always happy and always forgive? And they have a tail to wag! =D And I'll never stop loving Gackt anyway. But now I love Him more as a companion and less as a prophet. I know He loves me, as He loves all fans. He's like my secret friend, a friend that I've never met and that does not even know that I exist but that I can count on, always, with His music, with His art and with His words.

I hope this blog, more than a personal journey, can become a source of interesting information for all Pagans!

Thank you!

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